About this time yesterday I had a premonition that something would happen. An experience of brokenheartedness. I didn't really understand the premonition. Even after the experience. I crossed paths with someone I can hardly abide even for a minute. Once we were friends. He said a whole lot. I thought we were on the same path, had the same ambitions. But he more or less wanted smoke blown up his bony ass. I wasn't feeling in the smoke blowing mood. I had goals and ambitions and ideas and in the end, we parted ways, him insulting me and refusing to make amends, me looking for the right path which, in the end, cut me off from the life I had known.

And I had more or less gotten past that. He was the first person I ever hated. I remember being filled with blinding and sudden rages, terrible furies at just the thought of him. And I don't think I'll ever feel that fury again. I thank God for that. But yesterday evening, sitting before the little altar with the onyx chalice in my hands I realized quite clearly, "I don't want him to be happy. I haven't seen him happy in a year and until yesterday when he was almost happy, I never knew how pleasant the thought of his misery made me." I wasn't ashamed of this. I think I have every right to the feeling. But to thrive on it will kill what is good in me and affect all I do. Tonight, I sit and breathe and ask everyone out there, every kind spirit that inhabits all the earth, "Can I release the bitterness that has sat so long and secret inside me?"