Easter iv

Ah, I did a no no. At Sacred Heart where so many no noes have been done. It's just that I feel I've been through so many bad friendships with so many wretched people at that church there's no time for another one. And frankly, Dean's got issues. Really. Palm Sunday I tried to say hello, and maybe this is just me: the more I think on it, the more I think it was at least half me, but I felt like he was shrugging me off. It's like there are two Deans: the one Maura and I know who is a good, somewhat ironic pixie of a person and the Sunday Dean who is.... well, sort of snobbish. If I ever told him to his face, "You're a snob," he'd probably burst down and cry. That's the way they are at Sacred Heart. Everyone is so damned desperate to be loved, but no one knows how to do it. They don't mean to be that way. Too many times I've lost patience and watched, to my horror, grown men I thought were made of stone, dissolve under my tongue.

And I'm the one who wants peace?

But I do want peace. I want it so badly I can taste. Sometimes my eyes sting for it. King David was the bloodiest ruler Israel ever had and yet he talks about nothing but peace. Here's what I think? It's not enough just to be non-violent. You've got to really really want love and peace, and that's the difference between me and some tamer people. They don't want to fight, but they don't want to work for peace either. I want, desperately to work for peace. I do not want to fight if I don't have to, but damnit, if it turns out I have to THEN I WILL ! ! !

But back to Dean.

I tend to feel badly for things I think no one will pick up on. I apologize for them. The other person says, "No: I didn't notice." But they do notice and later it comes out. I'm like that with other people. They notice my moods and make far too much out of me. On Thursday, yes, Maundy Thursday, Dean was trying to get my attention and I thought, "To hell with him." Because I thought: he'll just end up being another fool, and who needs that? Good Friday I saw him again before the start of church. The staff remains through all the services, comes before and leaves late. He was rubbing the bridge of his nose and looking ill. He is undernourished and often has dark rings under his eyes. I wanted to ask if he was alright. He would say yes, but it would have made him feel better to know someone gave a damn.

I chose not to give a damn.