VAGUELY HELLISH THE NEXT DAY

The good thing about reviving the blog is I get to revisit myself, look at my life, reassess things. We tell ourselves an often tragic tale where we are the stars, remember how mistreated we were, how we were not loved enough, how nothing was enough, how no one appreciated our particular brand of genius. We forget the free and amazing love so often given. I think of what a good friend I was, how I was always there for those who needed me, never of how shabby I could be, short of temper, tired, distant, unseeing. I think of what a especially good lover I was, dedicated, untiring, and forget how tiring and mad I could be.

This last twenty-four hours, any twenty four hour cycle where I break my natural rhythm and go into work at a school, but especially a school I don't particularly like, has been tiresome, but not as tiresome as the end of it where, to my surprise--all the shit that hits you is shit you never quite predicted--I find a lawsuit from a credit card company and then that two of my futures sub appointments have been cancelled. I go to the message board and quickly pick up something new, something much more desired, for tomorrow than the one that cancelled me, but though the news of the lawsuit leaves me stoical, this thing almost undoes me.

As soon as I have picked up the new assignment, poof! It vanishes as well. What the hell. I get the phone call telling me what is going on and that I will be in this other position tomorrow and then, because I am so tired, I fall asleep. This whole early part off the night has been an uneasy resting, firstly because I was waiting for the new assignment to be posted, and then because I was waiting to talk about this new misfortune. Sometimes the only cure is talking.

Today I worked with a woman who cried the whole day. She said she just wanted to be happy again. I didn't feel smug at all because I somehow suspected misfortune was in my future, and now I wish I was the type of creature who cried more. It feels good to feel something besides this constipated sadness touched by fury, anger, worry perhaps. I do not know. I haven't unpacked my feelings. Feelings are in me like a rar file. They take a long time to come out. It may take the whole night. We may have to work the whole night and not feel alright until morning, and then get up and feel vaguely hellish the next day.