Wednesday Night

Frema,
thank you for your card and your love. Mom loved the card. No, just joking. Sooooo joking. I have to call you, but as happens, I've lost your number. I swear I'm not slighting you!

The end of the semester has something to do with this: this exhaustion bordering on madness. I feel a little mad. In both senses of the word. Today, only a few hours ago, I was at the height of study, enraptured, triumphant. Now, I am tired, chomping at the bit for tomorrow night when my first semester ends. I have come through so much, thank God, but I'm feeling insane more than anything else. I've gained so much but I have lost a lot too.

One my ex-best friends.... Yes, one of them, there are too many to count now, is getting married. I heard this third hand. Who would marry the bitch? i wondered. But the world is full of bitches and they're all slipping rings on each others fingers. This morning I awoke from a dream about another son-of-a-bitch who had been my friend, who had loved me and I had loved and the dream was so vivid. Well, he has found a bitch to love him as well.

Now that all the real issues are put aside. Now that everyday isn't a struggle and I don't have to be afraid of the very real issues I have been afraid of, my heart is free to turn to knitpicking worries, to questions of why when all these dreadful people can find someone to spend their whole lives with-- exclusively-- I cannot even find someone I'd want to spend the day with. The people I loved most are gone from me, and, what's more, I know I don't really want them to return. All this day faces and memories have haunted me, what I gave up and what I lost to move to a place that is better than where I was before.

So many are gone, but none have come to replace them.